CHAPTER FOUR.

 

I HAD JUST FOUND OUT I WAS EIGHT WEEKS PREGNANT. YOU COMPLETELY DENIED BOTH ME, AND YOUR UNBORN CHILD. YOU CUT ME OUT SO COLD THAT IT WAS AS IF YOU NEVER EXISTED.  

 

I CALLED EVERY DAY FOR THE EIGHT WEEKS YOU WERE GONE. SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. EACH VOICEMAIL THE SAME. SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY, BEGGING YOU TO JUST AT LEAST HEAR ME OUT, ANYTHING.  

  

THE PAIN WAS SO UNBEARABLE. I REMEMBER HOW IT FELT EVERY SECOND THAT PASSED BY. I DIDN’T MOVE, DIDN’T SLEEP, I WAS IN A CONSTANT MELTDOWN MODE AND IT NEVER ENDED.  

  

YOU PLAGUED MY MIND, MY SOUL AND MY BODY. I HAD NO ANSWERS. I HAD NO EXPLANATION. JUST COMPLETELY CUT OFF TO THE POINT I WAS QUESTIONING WHETHER OR NOT YOU WERE EVER EVEN REAL AND WHETHER YOU REALLY DID EXIST, OR WERE YOU JUST A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION.  

  

BUT I COULDN’T LET YOU GO, I WAS SO FIXATED ON THE FUTURE YOU AND I COULD HAVE THAT I FOUGHT TOOTH AND NAIL. I GAVE EVERYTHING I HAD WITHIN ME TO YOU, I DEVOTED THE REST OF MY LIFE TO FIGHTING FOR EVEN FIVE MORE MINUTES WITH YOU AND I WOULD BE ABLE TO LET GO AND SELFISHLY LEAVE THIS WORLD.  

  

THE CRAVING WAS TO INTENSE, IT FILLED EVERY SINGLE PART OF EVERYTHING WITHIN ME. LIKE A DEEP BURNING ITCH THAT JUST WOULD NOT GO AWAY NO MATTER WHAT I TRIED. TO THE POINT MY NAILS WERE VICIOUSLY ATTACKING AND RIPPING AT MY SKIN, CLAWING EVERY PART OF ME AND I WAS SO DESPERATE TO GET IT OFF IT GOT DEEPER AND THE DEEPER IT GOT THE WORSE THE BURNING BECAME. AS I’M CUTTING AND RIPPING APART MY FLESH YOU WERE STILL NO WHERE TO BE FOUND, STILL SUCH A DEEP ITCH THAT I COULDN’T REACH NO MATTER HOW FAR I REACHED OR HOW DEEP I CLAWED. YOU WERE STILL THERE UNTIL I GOT TO THE HEART.  

  

THEN I BROKE. FELL TO THE GROUND. COLLAPSED. WEAK. BUT FROM AN INSATIABLE ITCH? 

  

NO. YOU WERE MORE THAN THAT.  

  

YOU WERE WORSE THAN FOOD POISONING, YOU WERE WORSE THAN A TERMINAL ILLNESS. LIVING WITHOUT YOU WAS JUST AS PAINFUL AS DYING WITHOUT YOU. EITHER WAY THEY WEIGHED UP AGAINST EACH OTHER AND EACH TIME THEY WEIGHED EVENLY.  

  

THEN? I BECAME OBSESSED WITH THE SELF HATE I DEVELOPED IN THAT EPISODE. I WAS HURTING MYSELF AND CONSTANTLY PERSECUTING MYSELF FOR EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. BLAMING MYSELF FOR NOT EVER HAVING STABILITY, FOR RUINING EVERYTHING AROUND ME IF I STAYED FOR A PERIOD OF TIME. I WAS DESTRUCTIVE, AND DYING BECAME TOO EASY. SO I KILLED MYSELF MENTALLY.  

  

BUT THEN? ONE DAY YOU CALLED. HEARING YOUR VOICE WAS LIKE AN INSTANT CURE, THE ANTIDOTE I HAD CRAVED SO DEEP I FELT IT IN MY BONES AND THERE WAS NOTHING THAT RELIEVED THAT PAIN IN THE SLIGHTEST. WHERE I FELT PINS AND NEEDLES ALL THROUGH ME, YOUR VOICE TRAVELLED THROUGH EVERY PART AND COMPLETELY CLEANSING ME OF EVERY TINY SPLINTER THAT HAD TORMENTED ME FOR WEEKS INSTANTLY WAS WIPED FOR GOOD AND GONE. IT WAS LIKE I WAS REBORN AND I BREATHED INTO THE WORLD FOR THE FIRST TIME, LIKE I HAD BEEN IN LIMBO DEAD UNTIL I HEARD THAT VOICE OF YOURS AND IT SPARKED SOMETHING WITHIN ME.  

  

MY BLOOD STARTED PULSATING THROUGH MY BODY AGAIN, THE LOVE FOR YOU WAS SO STRONG IT OVERWHELMED AND FILLED ME IN EVERY FIBRE OF MY BEING. IT WAS BEYOND ANY TYPE OF ADDICTION, OR CRIPPLING DISEASE. IT WAS THE ONLY WAY I COULD IDENTIFY OR MAKE SENSE OF WHAT MY LIFE PURPOSE WAS IN THIS WORLD.  

  

IT WAS MAKE OR BREAK.  

  

THEN? YOU VISITED A FEW DAYS LATER.  

  

YOU SAW ME, YOU KISSED ME AND YOU EMBRACED ME IN A WAY THAT ALTHOUGH I KNEW I WAS ALIVE? I HAD FORGOTTEN HOW IT FELT TO LIVE UNTIL I WAS BACK IN YOUR WARM 

ARMS AGAIN. SAFETY AND SECURITY WAS BACK, AND I NEVER WANTED TO LET THAT GO AGAIN. THAT FEELING WAS LIKE AN OVERDOSE AND I WAS PARALYSED EACH TIME I FELT YOUR BREATH ON MY SKIN I WOULD INHALE AND I WAS HOME ONCE AGAIN. SOMEWHERE I’D NEVER FELT OR BELONGED BEFORE, I KNEW THAT’S WHAT IT WAS. YOU WERE EVERYTHING THAT I HAD EVER CRAVED OR WANTED AND IT WAS MORE THAN A NEED. I NEEDED THAT TO SURVIVE AND BREATHE AGAIN.  

  

YOU PUT YOUR HAND ON MY STOMACH, YOU SMILED. YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE SORRY AND YOU MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE. THAT YOU LOVED ME, AND THERE WAS NOTHING WORTH LOSING WHEN IT CAME TO WHAT WE HAD AND THE BABY AT HAND, AND JUST LIKE THAT I TOOK YOUR WORD WITH FULL CONFIDENCE AND BELIEVED YOU. YOU PUT YOUR HEAD IN MY LAP, I TRACED YOUR HAIRLINE AND YOUR NECK. CONTENT. FULFILLED ENTIRELY WITH JUST THE SIMPLE TOUCH OF YOUR SKIN. EVERYTHING HAD BEEN FORGOTTEN ABOUT, EVERY PAST FIGHT AND ISSUE THAT EVER EXISTED WAS GONE.  

  

ALL THAT MATTERED IN THAT MOMENT, WAS THAT YOU WERE BACK WERE YOU BELONGED.  

  

I SEE NOW THAT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINES OF GETTING LOST WITH YOU, I LOST MYSELF IN THE PROCESS.  

  

MAYBE THE LOVE WE SHARED WAS MUTUAL, OR MAYBE I CONVINCED MYSELF BECAUSE I WAS SO DESPERATE TO LOVE YOU AND EXPLORE EVERY POSSIBLE FUTURE SCENARIO WHERE YOU AND I EXISTED IN A REALITY WHERE WE WERE TOGETHER THAT ALONG THE WAY I IGNORED EVERY SINGLE SIGN AND ALTHOUGH I KNEW DEEP DOWN AND WROTE ABOUT IT, I’LL NEVER FORGET THE DAY I LOOKED YOU IN THE EYES AND I TOLD YOU THAT NOT ONLY WERE YOU MY FIRST? YOU WERE MY LAST. YOU WOULD BE THE THING THAT KILLS ME IN THE END, I KNEW THE RISK AND I TOOK IT ANYWAY.  

  

WHY? 

  

BECAUSE THAT WAS NOTHING TO GIVE AWAY COMPARED TO WHAT WE COULD HAVE AND I’D HAVE GIVEN UP EVERYTHING I COULD POSSIBLY GIVE UP IF IT MEANT I HAD A LIFE WHERE YOU AND I COEXISTED AND WE WERE TOGETHER.  

  

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.  

  

I REALISED QUICKLY THAT LOVE WASN’T EVERYTHING I EVER DREAMED OF AND LOVE WASN’T EVERYTHING I EVER EXPECTED OR THOUGHT IT TO BE. IT WAS THE OPPOSITE.  

  

IT WAS EVERYTHING I NEVER EXPECTED LOVE TO BE.  

  

IT WAS A ROLLER COASTER, WITH NO SEAT BELTS AND YOU’RE TRAVELLING AT LIGHT SPEED AND YOU CAN FEEL YOURSELF ABOUT TO FLY OUT BUT INSTEAD OF HOLDING YOURSELF DOWN AS TIGHT AS YOU CAN, YOU RAISE YOUR ARMS AS HIGH AS THEY CAN GO, LETTING GO OF THE BARS AND ALLOWING IT TO TAKE YOU. 

  

IT WAS EVERYTHING THAT DROVE ME CRAZY, IT CONSUMED ME TO SUCH A POINT I DIDN’T KNOW WHO I WAS ANYMORE AND I DIDN’T EVEN CARE. TO ME, THAT WAS A TINY DETAIL THAT DIDN’T NEED TO EXIST. KIND OF LIKE A DECISION BETWEEN PICKING EITHER VEGEMITE OR PEANUT BUTTER. AS LONG AS THE BREAD WAS THERE, I COULD SURVIVE AND I DIDN’T NEED THE LUXURY. IT JUST GOT IN THE WAY.  

  

YOU WERE EVERYTHING THAT I NEVER PREPARED FOR. YOU WERE THE DUST STORM ON A PERFECT SUNNY DAY THAT CAME AND SWEPT EVERYTHING AWAY AND IT BECAME SO HEAVY THAT THE HOUSE DIDN’T EXIST ANYMORE. IT WAS JUST A HEAVY CLOUD, AND I LOVED EVERY SECOND THAT IT SWEPT ME AWAY BUT I ALSO HATED EVERY PART THAT CAME WITH IT. KIND OF LIKE GOING TO THE BEACH AND AFTERWARDS THE SAND IS SO IRRITATING AND IT’S EVERYWHERE. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU HAVE A SHOWER THERE’S ANOTHER GRAIN TO BE FOUND.  

  

LOVE DIDN’T MAKE ME FEEL AS ALIVE AS I THOUGHT IT DID, I SEE NOW THAT LOVE WAS LIKE A BURNING BUTTER KNIFE SLOWLY CUTTING INTO MY FLESH AND TEARING EACH PIECE AWAY, PAINFULLY SLOW AND TAKING PIECE BY PIECE.  

  

EVEN THOUGH I WAS BLEEDING OUT ON THE FLOOR AND KNEW I WOULDN’T MAKE IT, EACH SLICE AND EACH BURN FELT SO HEAVENLY I COULDN’T GIVE IT UP.  

  

EVEN WHEN THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT WITHIN ME TO GIVE. EVERYTHING IN PIECES AND EVERY BONE SHATTERED TO THE CORE.  

  

THEN? JUST LIKE THAT, YOU WERE GONE. I STILL WISH YOU TOOK ME WITH YOU.